Merlin's Cleaning Tips
by Harper Rose Mitchell
Summary: Our favorite manservant shares some of his most efficient (yeah, right) cleaning tips. Lots of short snippet thingies (drabbles? excuse me, I'm new).
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is something kinda/sorta/ok, not really, like my other story "Top Ten Ways You'll Die If You Live In Camelot". I hope my possibly nonexistent audience likes it. **

**TIP #1: When in doubt, throw it in the laundry because it's probably dirty anyway.**

Madge the laundrywoman's eyebrow reached record heights when Merlin, the prince's servant, came to deliver his laundry. The wicker basket was carefully balancing a pile of clothes taller than she was. In fact, most of it didn't even look like clothes! Was that Morgana's long lost cat mewling for help somewhere in there? How had it not been smothered?

"All this in one week?" Madge asked, looking skeptically at Merlin, who was taking a particular interest in an invisible speck of dust on his fingernail.

"Erm...yes. The prince is a real diva when it comes to clothes." he answered sheepishly.

"I see."

The servant boy sneezed, and the giant pile of (mostly) clothes toppled to the floor, crushing a passing servant.

"Take it back. Now." Madge said, not at all amused.

"Yes ma'am." Merlin replied meekly, quickly scooping up the laundry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tip #2: Windows in the castle are the perfect size for throwing out random polishable objects no one will miss.**

Gwen was walking home after a long day at work. She'd just spent the entire day scrubbing floors, making beds, and stoking fires, and she was ready for a quiet evening of well deserved relaxation.

The sound of a loud crash of metal startled her, causing her bag to slip out of her hand and fall into the mud (at least she hoped that was mud). Cursing under her breath, she bent down to pick it up. Above her, she suddenly heard a whistling sound, and another small bang shortly after. Looking up, she saw a rusty silver helmet wedged in the door of a hut. From what she could see, if she'd been standing a minute ago...

"NNNNYYYYYYYUUUURRRRRMMMM!" An ancient vase joined her bag in the mud beside her. What the hell was going on? Gwen looked up in the direction the objects seemed to be coming from. From Prince Arthur's window, she saw a rain of vases, swords, shields, helmets, anything silver and shining, being thrown at the innocent peasants below.

Merlin.

Just as she was about to call up to him and get this nonsense to stop, she heard the sound of horses galloping up behind her.

"This must be the work of SORCERY!" Oh, wonderful. It was Uther, being pelted with random crowns and bracelets.

There went her evening of relaxation.

**Review? I spent like 3 minutes on this, so...**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Here's tip three. I'm open to any tip ideas, so get your creative juices flowing!**

**Tip #3:Off duty is off duty. Fires, dragons, apocalyptic walruses and all, you're still off duty.**

Merlin jumped over a toxic puddle of acid as he headed back to Gaius' room. He'd worked all day, and the day before that, getting no more than 3 hours of sleep each night. He was done. The stupid prat would just have to survive with out his boots polished for one night.

Merlin ducked quickly, avoiding the purple bat creature breathing green fire as he pushed open the door of his home.

"Oh! Merlin! I'm so glad you're here! Now quick-" Gaius started.

"EH!" Merlin held up his hands in warning.

"-get the book-"

"EH!" Merlin shook his head and covered his ears with his hands.

"-and go save Camelot-" Gaius got a very worried look on his face as Merlin began singing.

"LALALALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Merlin! This is ridiculous!"

"LALALALALALALALA!"

"The fate of Camelot, of Albion, rests on your shoulders!"

"NOPE! YOU'RE GOING TO NEED TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALA!"Merlin ran into his room and slammed close the door. Burying himself under the blankets, he ignored Gaius as he fretted about the destiny of the universe and how a good night's rest would bring about the downfall of an entire kingdom.

"Merlin! The purple bats! They're turning Arthur into a piece of crispy toast!" Gaius exclaimed, pounding on the door.

"Pass them the jam, would you?" Merlin called back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tip #4: You're a servant, not a rat-catcher. Besides, who doesn't like a little "biodiversity" in their room?**

"MERLIN!"

Merlin quickly scurried into Arthur's room, where a very shirtless and a very red faced prince held a squirming rat by the tail.

"Good morning, your majesty." Merlin said, smiling as pleasantly as he could for having been woken up in the middle of the night.

"What. The. HELL. Is. This?!" Arthur questioned, shaking the rat in Merlin's face.

"I believe it is a...mouse, sire."

"A mouse?"

"Yes."

"DO YOU TAKE ME FOR AN IDIOT?!" Arthur exploded.

"Yes-no-of course...not. I'm just saying that you may want to call the Royal Rat Catcher." Merlin replied.

"We don't have a 'Royal Rat Catcher'. You know why? Because usually the competent servants that value their lives KILL THE RATS before the nasty rodents crawl across the face of their employers as they sleep!"

"Oh. My mistake."

Arthur took a deep breath, flexing and un-flexing his fist slowly.

"Take the bloody rat. Get rid of it. And all of its companions. When I come back from early morning training, I expect to NEVER have a repeat of this incident. IS THAT CLEAR?!"

"As the waters of Avalon." And with that, Arthur stormed out of the room, still half dressed, waving a sword, after tossing the rat (who had now fainted from fright) at Merlin.

Merlin looked out the door both ways to make sure the prince was really gone, and then knelt down, gently prodding the rat. Once the rodent had awakened, Merlin released him on the ground.

"Be free, Balthasar!"


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I would absolutely love any tip ideas. I wanted to do ten, but I only have eight and I seem to have a curious case of writer-block-itis. **

**Tip #4: "Clean" is a matter of opinion.**

Merlin was skimming his dust rag over the old bookshelves of manuals he was pretty sure Arthur never touched and just left there to impress girls (namely Gwen) when Arthur himself strolled in.

"Wha're you doing?" the prince inquired.

"Dusting, you're highness. I mistakenly believed that was rather obvious." Merlin responded curtly.

"When you dust, aren't you supposed to, you know, actually clean up the dust?"

"Since when were you knowledgeable on cleaning?"

"Oh, I'm sorry Merlin. I mistakenly believed that fact was rather obvious."

"Arthur, you're hilarious. Please. Stop. My sides. But I am cleaning. It looks ten times better than it did before."

"It's COATED in dust!"

"Its a thin layer. To show vanire."

"That's not even a real word!"

"Oh? Feeling quite farinaceous today, are we sire?"

"Just do your damn job right for once, and actually clean something instead of acting like the world would come to an end if you picked up one dust particle!"

Arthur yanked off his boots and threw them into a dusty corner of the room that Merlin had supposedly cleaned. On impact, a rat squeaked.

"What was that?" Arthur asked, turning to glare at Merlin.


	6. Chapter 6

**Tip #5: Rags are the perfect servant's accessory, great at scrubbing and swatting anyone who get's too annoying. **

This was the third in Uther's recent schemes to marry Arthur off to a young, beautiful (and extremely wealthy) princess of a foreign land. Although this meant two weeks of ale and feasting, it meant two weeks of enslavement to the workers of the palace.

Merlin was busy, along with a dozen other servants, scrubbing the tiles of the hallway because Uther "could not see his lovely likeness in them." The king himself was pacing up and down, watching the sweaty workers like a rather old hawk. He pointed down at a crevice near Merlin's knees.

"You missed a spot."

"Thank you, sire." Merlin said through gritted teeth.

"You peasant are lucky to have me watching you, or neighboring kingdoms would think we live like common slobs in this castle, as you most assuredly do in those- those- house things, you inhabit."

"Huts." Merlin corrected.

"Don't correct me, manservant. And you missed another spot!"

Merlin didn't stop to think. As soon as the king's back was turned, he backhanded the rag across his royal majesty's balding head, and quickly sat down again.

"Who was that?! Who did that?!" Uther barked. Some of the servants stifled giggles.

Uther turned his back again once he realized he would receive no answer, hoping to catch the offender. No sooner was his back facing the workers than he was smacked again.

"WHO DID THAT?!" he bellowed. "I SHALL SEE YOU ALL HANGED FOR THIS!"

"You're crown's a little crooked, sire."

"Oh. Thank you, Merlin. I'll be watching you, peasants."

*smack*

"WHO WAS IT?!"

*smack, thwack*

"GREAT GOD OF MERCIES! CONFESS!"

*smack, thwack, pit-twack*

"IT'S A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU! CONSPIRACY!"

*SMACK.*

"SORCERY! NIMUEH'S FINAL REVENGE! I REPENT! I REPENT!"

And with great amusement, the servants watched as Uther ran screaming from the hallway, clutching his head, crown clattering to the floor.

**A/N: Look for the tips y'all submitted later on. I'm finishing the one's I originally created.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: So this is my apology chapter. This is an apology for the last chapter which I wrote in a sleep delirium and then clicked publish. I read it the next morning and was like "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!" It was terrible and I'm sorry. Very, very sorry. Very. If you haven't read it yet- don't. Anyways, here's chapter seven, tip six. **

**Tip #6: Be charitable, especially if it means giving your master's things away. **

Fiona, the young orphanage owner, tiptoed behind the prince's servant as he led her into Arthur's chambers.

"Are you sure we're allowed to be in here, Merlin?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah! Definitely! His majesty loves to contribute to- what is it you run again?"

"An orphanage."

"Yes. Arthur has a soft spot for orphans. Right then, I suppose the children need clothes?" Before waiting for Fiona's answer, he strode over to the prince wardrobe, flung open the doors, and chose a random drawer of socks.

"Here." he dumped a few into Fiona's wicker basket, then shrugged. "Oh, you know what? Why don't you just take the whole bloody drawer?" He tossed it in and ripped out another drawer.

"Never know what the kids may run into these days. Chain mail and shields may come in handy. And some helmets for cooking. I could see a lovely frock made out of this cape. In fact, all these items have lots of potential. Some daggers for the toddlers...you could make a tent out of this tunic. The children would love these crowns. Oh, now, don't fret. He won't miss them."

"But the wardrobes nearly empty!" Fiona exclaimed.

"It is now, isn't it? Hm. Oh well. The prat'll manage." he kicked an empty drawer and picked up a stray sock. "A wunsie for the babies."

"MERLIN! THIS IS YOUR FIVE SECOND WARNING TO CLEAR UP WHATEVER NONSENSE YOU HAVE CURRENTLY GOING ON IN MY CHAMBERS! 1! 2! 3!"

"Is that-" Fiona began.

"Prince Arthur, yes. You'd better go."

"4!"

"Good luck with the orphans!" Merlin called out after her as she dragged the heavy basket behind her.

"5!" Arthur marched into his room.

"What the hell-"


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Sorry, its been like forever, I know. It just seemed like every time I sat down to update, someone else needed by assistance on something idiotic (I feel you Merlin). Therefore, I give you- the mega chapter! Idea courtesy of a random guest who had a fabulous idea. If you gave me a tip idea, expect to see it in the next two chapters as I try to squeeze as much insanity in as possible.**

**Tip #8: In the cleaning world, if you can't see it, IT DOESN'T EXIST.**

Merlin had had a long day. Actually, long day was an understatement. He was about to kill Arthur Pendragon, or at least let Morgana do the job for him. He had just finished polishing the last piece of armor and was halfway to the door where he'd escape home and complain to Gaius about his terrible life, when...

"Merlin?" his master called. Merlin turned on his heels and struggled to keep from glaring at him.

"Yes. Sire." he managed through tightly clenched teeth.

"What's that?" Arthur lay in his large bed where he stared curiously at a spot in the rafters.

"What's what?"

"That." Arthur pointed at something on the ceiling. Merlin reluctantly crossed from the door to take a look at whatever the clotpole thought he was seeing. Just above Arhutr's bed was a rather large conglomeration of spider webs and a considerable amount of dust and dead insects.

"I don't see anything." Merlin pretended to stare blankly at the spot Arthur was pointing at. Why couldn't he just go home? Arthur rolled his eyes and hopped up on his bed and pointed at it again.

"It's right there! What is that? A cobweb?" Merlin looked at him for a second.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

"I'm not crazy! It's RIGHT THERE!"

"Maybe I should go get Gaius-"

"No! I'll go get Gaius, and he'll prove once and for all that _I_ am not the psychopath here!"

Arthur leaped from his bed and stormed angrily off to go find the physician. Merlin listened carefully until he was sure the prince was gone. After a quick muttering of a simple incantation under his breath, the troublesome cobweb was gone.

"...and I swear, there is! Merlin needs the poultices and potions, not I! I'm perfectly sane!" Arthur strode in, followed by a yawning Gaius. With one quick jump, Arthur stood on top of the bed again.

"See! Its right- wait, where'd it go?"

"My lord, I'm afraid I see no cobweb of any sort." Gaius answered calmly.

"But it was right-"

"Is there something you'd like to talk to me about, perhaps? I'm always here to listen."

Arthur glanced around his ceiling in desperation. With a slight smirk, Merlin quietly exited the room. The prince finally realized that this more than likely had something to do with his manservant.

"MERLIN!"


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: I realize its been a while, but I've been on vacation. But while I was gone, I finished the last three chapters (third one's a bonus). I also want to credit Gbean for the idea for Chapter 7, somehow I completely forgot to thank her. Sorry! Coincidentally, she and Purple Quartz also inspired this chapter! So thanks, guys, because your ideas were really fabulous and I doubt the chapters would be here without you. :)**

**Tip #9: Who needs socks anyways?**

"Arthur?" Merlin and Arthur looked up to see Morgana poking her head in the door of Arthur's chambers.

"The King wished to inform you that you are already half an hour late for the month's council meeting."

"Council meeting? What council meeting? Merlin didn't tell me about any council meeting."

"Oh sure! Blame the manservant!" Arthur made a face at Merlin.

"Well it's not like it's important or anything. They're just discussing a declaration of war on Cenred's kingdom. No rush." Morgana smirked and pulled her head out of the doorway. For a second Arthur and Merlin listened to her shoes as they "click-clopped" down the hall. Suddenly, Arthur bolted up and threw his belt on.

"Damn it, Merlin! How could you let me forget this? My father is going to kill me!" He raced around the room, apparently looking for his jacket.

"Oh, I don't know! Somehow I thought the 25 year old Crown Prince of Camelot could remember the dates of his own war council meetings!" Merlin scowled back at Arthur who was struggling with the buckles of his coat.

"Just shut up and toss me some socks! Now where are those damn boots…." Merlin reached into the sock drawer he was organizing ("Well, if you have nothing else to do, Merlin, tackle that mess of a sock drawer.") and threw a pair at him. Arthur glared at him menacingly as he pulled them on before stopping to stare at them.

"Come on! Chop, chop! No point in wasting another half hour."

"These are the same socks I wore yesterday." Arthur said softly.

"Nonsense! They're all freshly washed."

"Then why does this one still have the mud stains it got when we went hunting with the knights?" Merlin grabbed the sock from Arthur.

"No, see. Those are just shadows." Merlin shifted the sock every which way trying to get the stains to disappear. Arthur snatched it away and threw it aside.

"Get me a new pair." Merlin chucked a pair at him. "Dirty." And another. "Dirty." And another. "Disgusting!" And another…"Ew. Dirty. Dirty. Filthy. Ewwwwww…..are you sure that's a sock? Dirty. Good God, Merlin! Didn't you get any of these washed?"

"Of course. What kind of servant do you think I am?" There was a long pause as Arthur fixed Merlin with what was simply known as "The Look". "Ok, maybe the laundry women and I aren't exactly on the best terms…." Arthur marched over to the drawer and rifled through the remaining socks, flinging most of them out. Finally he smiled victoriously and held up a blindingly white sock.

"Aha! Yes! A clean one! But where's the other?"

Merlin smiled nervously and shrugged.

"Oh my God….."


	10. Chapter 10

**Tip #10: Where there is a Gwen, there is a way.**

"….and then I said to Rowain, "Of course that's not a wildeorren, if it had been a wildeorren it would've recognized you as one of its brethren…."

**Setting**: Camelot, the keep, the corridors between the Prince's chambers and the armory

**Time:** Dusk

**Characters:** One talkative prince and an extremely peeved manservant, including numerous other sympathetic servants

**Patience:** Gone

Arthur had just returned from a three day hunting expedition that Merlin had "unfortunately" had to miss out on, due to some tournament for knuckle headed knights that was about to take place. Much as Merlin hated the cleaning that came with these tournaments, he'd scrub the floors of hell if it meant missing such hunting expeditions. What he hadn't taken into account, however, was that Arthur would make sure to fill Merlin in on everything he had missed. Emphasis on EVERYTHING.

"….so then Sir Cadfael starts a fire using Sir Brynmor's cape, Brynmor was furious and….."

Merlin had told the prince that he was welcome to stay in the chambers while Merlin fetched another sharpening stone, but Arthur refused, seeing as how they were still on day one of the expedition.

"…..of course, Sir Einion had to get in on the fight by hitting Sir Gruffod with a moss covered log, pay attention to that, it's important later…"

Merlin had heard nothing but hunting stories since he'd made the mistake that morning of delivering the Prince's breakfast. He could've called in sick, but that would just postpone the stories, still….

Abruptly, Gwen turned the corner of the hallway and nearly ran into Arthur and Merlin.

"Gwen!" Merlin chirped, grinning. Gwen smiled, slightly worried.

"I'm so happy to see you! Arthur was just telling me about his hunting trip and this magnificent fight that broke out between knights-"

"Cadfael and Brynmor." Arthur interjected, beaming at Gwen.

"Why don't you listen too!" Merlin steered her into the group.

"Oh, no- see- the Lady Morgana-"

"Nonsense! She'll understand you missing out for a bit to hear this lovely story! Now if you'll excuse me, Gaius is expecting me." Merlin strode away quickly.

"Oh, but you won't hear some bits!" Arthur protested.

"Gwen can fill me in later!" Gwen raised her arms in protest after Merlin, but he was gone.

"I suppose I'll have to start from the beginning."


	11. Bonus Chapter

**A/N: I saw TheImpossiblePen's idea, and after laughing for a good thirty minutes at the image in my head, wrote it down. For all those of you haven't seen the movie "Enchanted", go see it. Now. You won't regret it.**

**Bonus Tip: Don't Ask, Don't Tell**

Arthur was late. He had to run back to his chambers, throw on his ceremonial robes, don his cape and his special crown, and bolt back to the throne room in ten minutes, flat.

He sped down the foyer, around the corner, raced down the corridor, and screeched to a stop right in front of the door. Flinging it open he found…..

Merlin, in an enormous, puffy, pastry looking, white gown-wedding dress-thing, with white lace gloves and a pink, sparkly, wand stood on top of the table. A jeweled tiara sat precariously on his short black hair, with what looked to be pink lipstick smeared across his lips. Around him swarmed a few doves and a LOT of pigeons. On the floor was an army of mice with scrubbing the floor with Morgana's hairbrushes.

It appeared that raccoons were making his bed, turtles were polishing his armor, rats (didn't he tell Merlin to get rid of them?) were reorganizing his sock drawer, and a team of ferrets and muskrats were dusting the chandelier. To make matters worse, Merlin was warbling, off key, he might add,

"_Haaapppppyyyy Wooorrrrrrking SO~ONG….. _Oh. Hi. Arthur." A hundred or so animals turned to fix Arthur with a curious stare. Merlin, after some struggle in the ball gown, managed to crawl off the table and headed over to the wardrobe, brushing off the rats who scampered under the bed.

"Right. Cape. Hey ferrets, do me a favor and find me a ceremonial crown."


End file.
